So, I’ve fully settled back into my life. I wake up at 5:15 quietly wriggling away from my sleeping baby boy to sneak away and get ready, when all I want is to snuggle him closer and drift back to sleep. It’s the typical day, rush downstairs to get lunches ready, grab something quick to eat and fly out the door. Kids off to daycare with dad and I won’t see them again until around 345pm, where we’ll have a couple hours together, then it’s bedtime so we can wake and do it all again tomorrow. I’ve been feeling farther away lately, more caught up in the to-do lists at work, less present with myself, my body, my desires. As I notice this, I begin to ask myself what is normal? Was it normal when I was having crying episodes nearly every day but feeling like I was moving forwards, towards something beautiful, something real, something true. Or is it normal to go through the day stoically, no tears, just checking boxes and on to the next? Instead of moving forward I feel like I’m sputtering out, spinning around in circles digging my trench deeper and deeper into the dirt. The deeper I go the harder it is to climb out. Maybe I can stop now. As I caught myself thinking the other day, “maybe I just don’t have intense emotions right now” I quickly realized I said the SAME exact thing a month or so ago and it wasn’t true at all, I just wasn’t accessing them. I dropped into a quick 10 minute meditation yesterday which I haven’t done in a while. Took all of 30 seconds for my heart to open and the tears to flow. It’s still there…but why can’t I always feel it? I think I can, I just need to remember it’s ALWAYS there. Always simmering just below the surface. Even though I may appear to be, and really think I am, calm and collected, managing all my responsibilities in this earthly life, there’s a constant tugging, a yearning for more. But it’s easy to ignore, to deny its existence altogether. If I don’t stop I’ll never remember it’s there. But I want to, I want to stop more. I want to stop as much as i go. Breathe as much as I do. I’m trying to find the balance and it’s hard.
I find myself with this yearning for something more, something deeper, sometimes I even wonder if I am actually yearning for another crisis. Another excuse for it all to fall away again. It feels wrong to wish for pain, but I long for something to help me bare my soul again. Something that takes all of my strength, requires body, mind and spirit be aligned for a united purpose. But maybe it doesn’t have to be pain, nor crisis. Maybe… I can use this newfound strength and courage to make decisions in my life that I’ve been afraid to make in the past. I’ve allowed my job, my belongings, my roles, my ego to define me for so long. For a while I thought they were my roots, my security, my way to feel grounded and secure, my way to be safe. But, now I know another level below. A level that is raw and vulnerable, where I know where my home is and it’s not within four walls of this house, but the walls of my chest. I can lose everything and I will still have this. This place where I belong, this divine connection, this place where I am happy, held and loved. Maybe…I can choose to let some things fall away rather than be forced into it by crisis. Maybe I don’t need to fear the losing of some parts, or even just the changing of some parts, of my superficial/earthly security blanket. Maybe I can just jump and know I will be caught. Maybe I can let the earth tremble beneath me as I know my roots run deep and I am unwavering. I’ve been building towards this for a long time and now it’s time to jump. Time to trust in my foundation, my strength, my divine and rise up, branch out, shake things up. It’s time to shed the old and bring in the new. I let all that does not serve me, namely fear, fall away, allowing love to fill the spaces in between.
What if the joy can be just as big as the pain? What if I can create a life so full, so rich that the joy just bursts from my chest? The peace and happiness glows from the inside out, causing others to pause and take note, asking why I look so vibrant, so full of life. I`ve been dreaming of a life like this. I think it takes risk. It takes risking the safe for the wildly beautiful, trading the mundane for the magical. But this isn’t the kind of gambling one does at a casino, where you can quickly get greedy, carried away and then lose it all. No, this kind of risk is simply aligned action in the absence of fear. Risk may really be a misnomer. Is it risky to trust in your intuition? To trust that which makes you feel inspired and aligned, in a state of pure flow and bliss? No, it’s not but fear tells us it is. It says, “oh but what if you fail?” instead of, “oh and what if you fly?” Living a life from a place of fear where action is thwarted may be the biggest risk of all, the risk of not loving to your heart’s fullest capacity, of not living out your soul’s true purpose. Of not doing the things that could allow you true happiness. I don’t know about you but I want to LIVE. I want the heartbreaking beauty, the gut wrenching truth, the mind blowing revelations, and the overwhelming love of it all. I want it all.
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